NICU Week 7 - Fear not.

Week 7 

    Nathan started out this week at 4lbs 15oz, he's been the same weight for 3 days now! While not gaining, he isn't losing, so we'll consider that a win! We started 35 weeks, on Sunday, with siblings holding him and wishing he was home. We've bottle fed for 2 days straight! Today, Monday, we found out that Nathan may be coming home on Wednesday, October 2nd. We all are so excited! Nervous, but oh so excited! I can't begin to explain how it feels to finally have Nathan coming home.  Of course, I gave birth so yes, I was a mom again, but it also didn't feel real because he wasn't home. I had the title, with no real responsibility as a mom to a newborn. Today, I'm feeling all the emotions as my almost 2 month old will be COMING HOME!

    Nathan being in the NICU didn't change our home life much. Mainly just changed what I did everyday with my time. Now, with him coming home, everything is changing! In the past, I've not done well with change. It was always scary. The fear of the unknown was unreal for me. Now, while yes, I have a few fears, it isn't so much of the unknown, but being the mother of a preemie. THAT'S scary. His oxygen is great, his heart is doing well, he's gaining weight, he's doing all the things he should be doing exceptionally well for his age. But I think that's what is scaring me. His age. He's technically supposed to still be in my womb and he's coming home to join in our chaos at 2 months old, 35 weeks gestation. I've been nesting for 2 days now, getting everything done to prepare for him to be here. 

    Coming Home

    Nathan came home on Wednesday as planned! 5lbs 1.8oz of sweet little snuggles. I sat in the backseat and watched him the whole drive home. Anxious didn't cover it! We got home and I didn't know what to do with myself. Check on Nathan, wash a bottle, check on Nathan, mix formula, check on Nathan, rotate the laundry, check on Nathan. I couldn't sit still, even with Jacob holding him, I was constantly checking on him. I guess that's normal, but I felt so over the top. 

    Jacob though!!!  He is such a God sent. I didn't have any help raising my boys, so having a man take over with the baby is something I'm having to get used to. Go to the store alone? Go pick up the kids from school without the baby? Get a shower without a baby in the bouncer?! WOW! OKAY! We've split up feedings when he's home and I can take care of other things while he takes care of Nate. It is definitely a change from the last time I had a newborn 10&12 years ago. Whenever Jacob is home, you can find Nate in his arms or on his chest. It is so precious to see such a loving hands-on father. I don't know what I did to get so lucky in the family department, but my little family is THE best. Nate's sister, Kamryn, and brother Chase are the biggest help. They've already asked to change diapers. Tucker and Carson both hold him and help out too, but Chase and Kamryn are in full big sibling mode! 

    I honestly have another fear that I've neglected to talk about and that's my mental health. I know PPD can still hit me. I'm on the lookout for it, waiting for the ball to drop, so to speak. But I think my Bipolar medication keeps me so level that I have no reason to worry. Doesn't mean that I don't, especially since I had PPD after giving birth to Chase. PostPartum Depression is such a serious thing. I already deal with a mood disorder, so if i do get PPD, it's going to be tough on me. But I'm prepared in case that does happen. My kids and husband continue to support my mental health and my healing journey. My kids forget that I even take meds. Good thing I don't forget! LOL

    While I know I'm not alone in some of the fears I have, sometimes it can feel lonely. When my anxiety or fear begins to take over, I turn to the one I know would never leave me. God. I try to focus on who I know I am, whose I am, and what he says I am. I am chosen, loved, strong, forgiven and accepted. I am a child of God. Trusting that God has everything under control and focusing on that takes the focus off of my "problem". It isn't always easy,  but I know that God has my future in his hands, just as he always has. Putting my trust in God, drives out my fears and anxieties. 

    Had you asked me 5 years ago what my life would look like, this wouldn't have been my answer. But I thank God every day for my sweet little family. For bringing my amazing husband into my life and giving me 5 amazing children. They are more than I could have ever dreamed of. With them by my side, I truly have nothing to fear. 

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6