NICU Week 5 - Faith over Fear

    This week has NOT been boring! Nathan is doing so well without his oxygen. They moved him to an open crib, and we can hold him anytime we want, which is exactly what this momma needed. Being told you can only hold your baby at certain times has been tough to deal with if I'm being honest. I would time my visits around his feedings just to be able to hold him while he ate. We also had to hold him for at least an hour every time we got him out of his isolate crib. An hour? No problem! The most I've held him thus far is 3 hours straight, from one feeding until the next. We also got to put clothes on him this week. How he can get cuter with clothes on is beyond me, but I may be biased. Nathan is also up to 35 mLs per feeding and is gaining weight wonderfully now. He weighs 4lbs 5oz as of last night. He has to weigh at least 4 lbs before coming home, so this was a huge milestone for him and us. One step closer to having our boy home to join in the chaos!

    This morning as I was getting ready to take the other 4 kids to school, I grabbed my hoodie by the front door and something fell out. It was a ring I bought myself a month or two ago that says, "faith over fear". I have struggled this week to write. It's been my outlet for so long now, but this week I just haven't had the words. God reminded me this morning that he has it all under control. I fear sometimes that I should journal instead of posting for the world to see. But this morning something told me to come back home after dropping the kids off and the words would come to me. And they have. 

While scrolling Facebook this morning I saw a quote that said, "It wouldn't be called faith if you had all the details. Keep trusting him".

    We tend to want all the details of life or a situation because we fear the unknown. The unknown can be scary. The unknown of when Nathan can come home is one I've struggled with a lot this week. How big he will be when he does get to come home, how he will adjust to bottle feeding vs feeding tube, how he would do in an open crib regulating his own temps, how life will be having him home instead of in the hospital, all the things have been coursing through my mind. But I've learned that while the unknown is scary, we have to put our faith in God. Faith that he will see us through the situation. Faith that the outcome will be better than what we could have imagined ourselves. Faith that God's protection is pushing us to what his plan is for our lives. He will see us through all the struggles, all the fear, and all the unknowns. "Faith over Fear"

    I never planned to live in Indiana. I never planned to get married again. I never planned to have 5 kids. I didn't plan to have this life that I live. But God knew the life I would live before I began living it. He knew I needed these 5 kids to love. God knew I needed to live in Indiana to meet the husband he gave me. He knew when I got pregnant again, that I would have a preemie baby, Nathan Maverick. I have had many times in life where I had no idea what would happen next. I lived in fear for years without a way out of my mess. But God knew. He knew what was up ahead. He knew what I needed, physically, mentally and emotionally, to be ready for the life he was leading me to. I am so grateful to have such a loving God to put my faith in during times like this when I do fear the unknown. Instead of just surviving, I can live life, knowing that he will be there with me through it all. 

    I have been putting my faith in God for longer than I can remember. Even when I didn't live a life that was pleasing to him, I still cried out for his help in my times of need. Yes, I'm admitting that I used God as a 911 emergency call, FOR YEARS. But I think my mustard seed of faith has gotten me to the point that I'm at now. Looking back, I prayed when I didn't know what else to do. I turned to the one I knew would be there for me without judgement, with just love, grace, and mercy, no matter the situation. And I don't know where I would be now if it wasn't for his love, grace, and mercy. I have so much more in life than I could have ever dreamed of. His plan is always greater and more abundant than ours could ever be. 

Keep trusting in him, it wouldn't be called faith if we had all the details. 

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10