NICU Week 3 -Leaving and living

Leaving and living. That’s the hardest part. Going on about my day without my baby at home with his siblings. 

I know that Nathan is in the best possible place for him. But this is HARD. Going on day to day, visiting him for a few hours before coming back home to care for our other kids when they get out of school.. It’s tough. Everytime I leave I feel like I’m forgetting something.  And I am. 

This isn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t my plan. 

This is not fair. 

That’s me being real. 

Real hurt. 

Real teary eyed. 

Real sad.

But I’m also really happy, really thankful, & really grateful. I’m happy my baby is still alive. I know things could’ve been different. I’m thankful he’s doing as well as he is. And I’m grateful God gave me the ability to carry him, for him to grow in my womb for as long as he did. Some women don't get that chance. 

It’s such a coin toss on what my emotions are going to be everyday lately.  Is it a sad girl day after my morning snuggles with Nathan are over? Or is it a day full of gratitude and joy that I have 5 healthy children to love regardless of my current circumstances? Is it a mixture of both?

I think both days are necessary to get through this. I think both days are needed to validate my own feelings. To feel what I’m feeling, and be able to let it go..

Nathan is doing spectacularly well for his age. I know that. And I have four other healthy and thriving children to love. 2 of which I birthed. I know this is just one of “those” nights. 

BUT, it’s one of those nights y’all. Please say an extra prayer for me and baby Nate tonight. I don’t dare wish time to move faster, Nathan needs to grow, he needs to develop more and I need to enjoy this time with my other 4 children at home. Lord knows time goes by too fast as it is, but tonight, 9am cant get here soon enough.. Mommy will be there as always to get some snuggles in Nathan Maverick. ❤️❤️

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think about these things". Philippians 4:8